Doubt

This is going to be a slightly odd post. Not as happy & joyful as I'm sure you find all of my other posts. I'm debating whether it is a good or bad thing to doubt. I'll go through the list of pros and cons of having doubt (Also read this as results of having or not having doubt):

Pros:
- It always makes me work harder b/c I always think that I won't ever get anything, so I work extra to give it that little oomph that I think it needs
- When I don't get something, it doesn't impact me as much because I can subconsciously tell myself, "Well, you knew you wouldn't get it, so I guess you just proved yourself right."
- When I do get something, then that makes it that much sweeter. For example, I was dreading what my family would chose as a purse for me, so my expectations were pretty low. So when I actually received said purse, I was pleasantly surprised that I actually could imagine using it.
- It stops me from crying whenever something goes wrong, like we lose a game or something else goes wrong. This causes people to think of me as strong, which leads them to think more positively.

Cons:
- It causes me to work harder when I really don't need to, so I spend four hours on an eighth grade science project making sure all the margins on a 3 by 2 ft. rectangle are perfect..... w/ a 12 in. ruler. Yeah, that took a while.
- When I don't get something, I sink into the pits of despair. For some that sounds cliche, but that's actually what happens. I'm in a state of disbelief. I function, but I replay EVERY single event that led up to that point. I go over every scenario, and begin to doubt even my existence. Especially if its something that was very important to me. I sit there and go back through every event. It's like the 5 stages of NP's remorse-
----1. Disbelief. At this point, I'm at the point where I can't believe what happened. I get very quiet and do few body movements so as to lessen my chance of showing that I can't believe what happened.
----2. Replay. At this point, I go over everything that happened that would cause this thing to happen. I try to get away from people at this point and I get even more quiet.
----3. Reaction- I go somewhere by myself and express my emotions until someone comes along and can persuade me that the world isn't going to end, or that I'm overreacting.
----4. Blame. At this point, I find someone else to blame for all of my problems, b/c obviously it is due to no fault of my own that I didn't achieve something. It's always easier to blame someone else, especially if they don't know you blame them. Keeps you in a secure spot.
----5. Reassure Blame. At this point, the initial pleasure of blaming someone else starts to wear off, and I start to imagine that it may be due to some fault of mine that I didn't do well. I automatically find someone else who has my views and we come to agreement that the person I originally blamed is actually to blame, thereby insuring the continuation of my innocent inability at realization.
- When I do get something, there's nothing sweet about it because I was expecting it, so there's no excitement. I just feel like I got what I should have gotten. No everlasting pleasure, just an "oh... good. That's what I should have gotten."
- I cry that much harder and longer when I've been expecting something and I don't get it. It does give me "great" memories to tell the kids though....

I've come to the conclusion, that I should always doubt because then I'm never disappointed. If there are no expectations, then you can always exceed them. Only when you start to expect things, do things go wrong. And when expectations are failed, ulcers are born. So that pretty much explains it. BL. NP.